Saturday, June 5, 2010

How much are you supposed to love 'em?

My family left me yesterday. Jeff took the kids to visit his family in New Hampshire. They've never left me before (although I have left them). Charlie promised vociferously and often that he wouldn't miss me at all. Ella said that I was her great mom and that she loved me and would miss me lots, but was too busy playing with her doll house to look up when she said it. Counting the hours before they left, I was in great turmoil.  Part of me couldn't wait for them all to go so I could try out solitude and freedom again. The other part of me wanted to cry because I missed them before they even walked out the door.

That has been one of the hardest things for me as a mother- to find that balance between loving my kids so much that I want to spend every minute with them and realizing that I need to have a life beyond them that is also satisfying to me. I still haven't found it yet. I know that there are things that I could do that would help, but they usually involve spending more time away from my kids. And like so many mothers, I truly believe that my children are suffering terribly every minute that they are forced to be away from me.

The thing is, I know in my brain that that is not true. My kids have told me that its not true. Last week I stopped by their day care to give them the option of going grocery shopping or staying at school while I shopped. Ella chose to stay at school. I was shocked, and thrilled, and devastated all at once. My little girl would rather stay and play with her friends at school than hang out with me at the grocery store. At 2 1/2 is she so old that friends are already better than Mom? If that is so, it really is great. My brain is happy that she has friends that she loves, and that school is a place that she wants to be, but my heart aches to be her number one choice always and forever.

When I got off of work yesterday and faced the prospect of an empty house, I chose to go swimming. Great choice. The water was cooling, I got a bit of exercise, and a chance to talk with a few friends. But the thing is, I have that choice every day of the week, and I never choose the pool. I could go straight from work to swim for 20 minutes and come out feeling refreshed, happy, and maybe with more muscle definition in my arms and shoulders, but instead I run to the day care to get my kids as fast as I can, and don't feel refreshed, happy, or have better shoulders or arms. Sometimes I am downright grumpy after a long day of work with no break between work and motherhood. Motherhood is hard. It is my hardest job. I know that I would be a better wife and mother if I just took that 20 minutes to be neither employee, wife nor mother. I need time as Liz, the woman. So why am I unable to take it?

Jeff is able to listen to his brain. He is much better than I am at taking time for himself. He swims almost every day. He goes off on the weekends for long bike rides or runs. He knows that it makes him happy, healthy, and more able to deal with the kids and me when he is around. How is it that he is free of the guilt that I feel?

Since I don't have the real answer to that question, but think it may be something related to the hormones that women produce when they give birth that makes them want to be mothers and spend time caring for their screaming, poopy, helpless offspring (did you know you actually have those hormones?), I will move on for now. Because the real question is why am I sitting here on the computer when I have real freedom for a few short days? I am off to get a pedicure, take a hike if 105 degrees isn't too hot, go to the air conditioned mall if it is, and browse the clothing racks for as long as I would like. But if you look closely, you'll notice that every now and then a look of true longing passes over my face because I just can't help but miss them.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I just can't win

So lately I've been feeling like this whole parenting this is going pretty well. There have been a few bumps in the road, like Ella's screaming, kicking, yelling fit at the restaurant in Durango and Charlie's forgetfulness that jumping on people in pools, especially when they can't touch the bottom, isn't ok, but generally we have been doing well. Until recently. In the last week there have been 2 reports released that make me feel like I simply cannot win.

The first one is the report that pesticides on fruits and veggies cause ADHD. Well my kids are absolutely destined to have ADHD because I have done such a dang good job of feeding them fruits and veggies. They may fuss, whine and moan about it 95% of the time, but they do eat them, and then like them, much to their chagrin. But now I find out that by making them eat that healthy food, I am poisoning them! So you may think, well, buy organic. Now that is something that I would love to do. But I live in a town of 8,500 people in the middle of the New Mexican desert, 75 miles from the nearest city. Our 2 local grocery stores and Walmart do stock organic, occasionally, in some foods, when the moon is full and the coyotes are baying in the key of C. I have found organic spinach, cantaloupe, a pepper, and occasionally celery. Those of you who know your 'dirty dozen' list backwards and forwards should know that spinach, peppers and celery are great foods to buy organic. They are literally covered, soaked and drenched in ADHD causing pesticides, so its worth the hundreds of your hard earned pennies to buy them in the organic version. The only problem is that my kids won't eat them. Charlie will eat red and yellow peppers on occasion, but not green. Ella won't touch any of it, even if the celery is disguised as ants-on-a-log. She just licks off the raisins and peanut butter and hands back the celery. Cantaloupe is one of the safest foods to eat non-organically because neither the pests or the pesticides can penetrate that tough outer skin. So we are not ahead in that game. I have driven more than 150 miles round trip to Albuquerque to drag my dear, always-well-behaved children on shopping trips to Trader Joes, Whole Foods and Costco in search of truly healthy options, but can't do it on a bi-weekly basis. Maybe semi-monthly, if. So what is a veggie-pushing mom to do? I did take the 'dirty dozen' list to the local produce manager and ask him to try and stock an organic option of those 12 foods.  I haven't gone back yet to see if its happened. I have my hopes up, but am not holding my breath or I might just turn very blue.

So while I was fuming about not having truly healthy food to feed my children,  we went to Walmart to kill some time (local favorite time-killing haunt for all mothers in Socorro). I got sucked into buying them a brand new 8-foot wide, 36 inch deep swimming pool. This is kind of the hot-tub version of the backyard swimming pool, minus the bubbles, benches, heater, or other amenities that make real hot tubs so great. But the kids love it. Of course, being a good mother, I slather them from head to foot in sunscreen before they even approach the pool, only to find out that the sunscreens I am using are probably poisoning them too. According to a report I received, the things in the sunscreen are likely disrupting their hormones (oxybenzone) and probably giving them skin cancer (retinyl palmitate), and the reported SPF is usually wrong. I thought I was putting the sunscreen on them to KEEP them from getting skin cancer!!!
Granted, I just did some research on the report I was sent http://www.ewg.org/2010sunscreen/best-beach-sport-sunscreens/ and it seems that there is some conflicting information out there, surprise surprise. Apparently, EWG, or the Environmental Working Group, who wrote the report is a consumer watchdog organization that works "to use the power of public information to protect public health and the environment." They may not fall anywhere near the center of that invisible line that we use to mark right and left-leaning organizations. Johnson & Johnson (Neutrogena), Schering-Plough (Coppertone) and Banana Boat all had something to say in rebuttal of the report. Something like, "Shut up you bunch of chemical fearing hippies" written in appropriate, corporate-sounding language. But I am still confused. Do I spend $15 for 1.5 oz for the sunscreen that EWG recommends and blow our entire travel budget for the summer on really super duper safe sunscreen, but have to stay home and pretend that our 8 foot pool really is as good as a hot tub? Or do I disregard the EWG, trust big business like Schering-Plough, and continue to possibly disrupt my dear children's hormones while gadding about the country in search of real hot tubs? Oh gawd. A thought just hit- is it my over-sunscreening of my son that causes him to pretend he is a female character when he plays pretend? Have his hormones been so disrupted that he prefers to be Mrs. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox and Dragon from Shrek instead of the tough, masculine characters?  


Oh s--t! I knew I really screwed up. To heck with it all anyways. I am just going to start them on a diet of Cheetos and Mt. Dew instead, because at least those so-called food and drinks don't even pretend to have anything less than they best chemicals in them. And the kids can stay inside and watch tv all day so we don't have to worry about sunscreen at all. Bet you can't wait for my next blog on my children's behavior on cheetos, mt dew and pure television...