I get by with a little help from my friends

So its been a while since I last posted anything. Life got in the way. But now my kids are asleep- both in my bed, and my husband is flying home overnight from Hawaii. So instead of unpacking and doing laundry from our last trip, I am blogging.

While the kids and I were recently away visiting my parents, I spent some time thinking about friends and friendship. It started as I was dragging myself on a jog around the peninsula where my parents live. I noticed that I was the only single running person. All of the other people I saw were female couples walking. I say couples because it was always 2 of them, but not because I have any idea of sexual orientation. What I saw in those women was deep friendship- friendship that was treasured and nurtured. These women were taking time out of their days to walk together and talk together.  I watched as two of the women were so deep in conversation that they had to stop walking and simply talk while standing in the middle of the road. I tried to think about the last time that had happened to me with a friend. It happens all the time with my children, usually because they choose the middle of the busiest intersection in town to stop walking and inspect the rocks in the asphalt, but that's not quite the same. I can't think of the last time I was walking with a friend and had to stop to listen to the important things she was saying. That isn't because my friends don't have important things to say, but because I rarely feel like I can give them the time to even start walking together, much less stop, listen and connect on that deep level.

Over the years I have mentioned a few times  how much I miss the college days of roommates/hallmates/dormmates whom I saw all the time. In college there was a common interest amongst us all- taking classes. Some were more interested than others, but still, one could always come up with an excuse to get together. Sometimes it was simply walking to class at the same time. Other times is was, "Let's study at the local coffee house while drinking beer and seeing what other friends might have had the same idea." The studying didn't always happen, but the social part always did.

Now that I have turned into a wife and mother who has also lived all over the country, it is so much harder to create those amazing social get-togethers. Having friends is a lot of work. It is super excellent awesome work, but it isn't something that simply happens over walk to class or a beer at the local watering hole anymore.

For one thing, my friends are scattered all over the globe. Mozambique, London, Hawaii, Chile, Ecuador, China, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, New Hampshire, Colorado, Atlanta, Seattle, Vashon Island... the list goes on and on. For those far-flung friends, it takes an event for us to get together. Weddings have been the excuse for the last 10 years. But now we are almost all married, and now having kids. Those kids throw a wrench into it. I love them, but they don't make it easy to globe trot around visiting friends in far-flung places. How are we going to all get together now?

It can be tough to travel to those far-flung places to visit friends, especially if they are not on vacation too. You show up, ready for a week of seeing old friends. But they are working 50 hours that week and dragging their kids to 3 sporting practices, piano lessons and 2 birthday parties. If you can arrive between 11:27 and 12:13, you might be able to chat over stuffing mac 'n cheese into said-kids' faces before they have to run out the door again. You totally understand the craziness because your life is exactly the same at home. But you still miss the long lazy hours you two used to be able to spend together sitting in the hallway of the dorm or hiking or taking hours-long bus trips in foreign countries.

With friends who are nearby it is almost as difficult. We squeeze in conversations in the 3 minutes before the nursery school releases the kids through the gate at pick-up time. We share our lives in between reminding the kids to use their words, not their hands, offering snacks and apple juice, and in the aisles of the grocery store while trying not to yell that we are not buying that item today and would they please leave it on the shelf. Those precious moments are found on the sidelines of soccer games and while pushing someone on a swing, and they are almost always interrupted by a dear request from an insistent child. For those of my friends who do not have kids, I wonder about inflicting my kids on them. Do they really want to join us for dinner when it is such chaos? Is inviting them to meet us in the park a gift or torture? I would love to see them without my kids, but realistically, I never see anyone without my kids these days.

Some would say, take the time! Hire a babysitter for goodness sakes. Be a friend! I know that I should, but it is harder than that. Who can afford the time to arrange all that, and pay for it? There is always an excuse, and I am good at making them.

One friend said that she had had coffee with her friend that morning. Her friend lives in a different state, but she had driven to the coffee place with her cell phone and drunk her coffee while on the phone with that friend. I thought it was a really clever almost-solution. A great way to spend time with a friend who can't actually be there, but still not quite the same. Worth hiring a babysitter for? That one is a toss-up.

Sometimes I think that when my kids are just a little bit older it will be easier. I can leave them alone or they will be out doing their own things and I will have more time to spend with my friends. But that is a long long time from now. Ella is only 2. We are talking years, and friendships need more love than that. Certainly there are friendships that one can pick right back up after years of silence. It can seem like not even a day has passed since the last time you got together, but I am feeling like I don't want to wait years.

My best, although entirely non-workable solution, isn't mine alone as I have heard it put forward by others as well. Find a great city or town to live in. Invite all your friends to get together and purchase one huge piece of property. Build houses all around the edge of it, but with multiple common spaces that must be utilized regularly and by all. Ta da! Your friends not only live close by, but you will be forced to see them in the regular routine of your daily life. What could be better? What could be less likely to actually happen?

I guess what I am really trying to say to all my friends out there is, I miss you! I am sorry that we don't see each other or talk to each other as much as we once did because I value your thoughts and your great influence on my life. I feel a void because you are not a part of my regular routine. I wish that we had more time to spend together. If you have an idea on how to do it, let me know. And if you are interested in that great big piece of property, well... give me a call.